I like Ballet and Opera

      Uggghhhh. 

     I've never been a fan of Timothee Chalamet. And I don't even mean that in any other way than the man has never caught my attention. Yes, I know I'm a lesbian but I'm not blind. I can see attractiveness and I can see talent, and to me... he's got neither of those. 

     I watched "Call Me By Your Name" when it came out, every teenage girl in 2017 did. It was alright. I mean, even at thirteen years old, I thought the age gap was odd and there was something off about Armie Hammer. But the vibes were there. And that one dance scene. 

     Since then, I haven't really gone out of my way to see anything that he's in. I mean, I watched Lady Bird (2017) and Little Women (2019) but like... his performances in neither of those were really remarkable. Also, he wasn't really like the main characters in those. I was forced to sit through Wonka (2023) against my will (bad date night). I can't even remember anything that happened in that movie other than... you know what, I tried. I genuinely cannot remember a single piece of that movie. Sorry Timmy. 

     I haven't seen anything else he's in. I refuse to watch any Dune Movie because if I wanted to watch a movie about sand, I'd watch Beaches (1988). I'm not watching a movie about a grown man who plays tennis, and I'm sure as hell not watching anything about Bob Dylan. 

     Now that's out of the way, we can get into what's happened recently with Mr. Chalamet, and why the internet hates him. 

     "I don't want to be working in ballet or opera... No one cares about this anymore. All respect to the ballet and opera people. I just lost 14 cents in viewership."

     That's a direct quote from Mr. Chalamet himself. During a CNN & Variety Town Hall Event with Matthew McConaughey. The topic of attention spans came up, and how fast movies and shows are moving nowadays. I will say, for me, the entire conversation was a hard watch. Timothee just sounds so condescending and arrogant. He constantly sounds like a comedian who's lost his audience. But I digress. 

    He then goes inro how he read all these articles (which... alr Timmy LMAO) about pacing and how Gen Z is a more "movie going" generation than millennials. He essentially disagrees with McConaughey's take in a way that almost makes you miss it. He words it in a way where he's trying to say more, without really saying anything of substance. He brings up Frankenstein (another movie I refuse to watch just because of principle) and how he doesn't think it was fast paced at all. 

     Anyways, he goes from that to immediately dissing ballet and opera which throws me because that wasn't even on topic... like it was such an abrupt and nonsensical change of subject that I audibly laughed when he attempted to segue into it. I feel like this is a discussion that he's been wanting to have for some time. In the comment section of Variety's post on TikTok, a user literally says, "I miss when he was awkward and shy." 

     In 2017-2020, Timothee was every girl's Indie boy crush. He was in all the teen romance films like Lady Bird (2017) and Little Women (2019). He had the fluffy brown hair and the sort of sad, bisexual looking, skinny white boy aura everyone went crazy over at the time. 

     So, when did it change?

     In my opinion? I think what we're seeing now is the true Timothee. In 2017-2020, the thing to be at the time was this sort of... artsy, sad looking, pale, fluffy haired boy that teenage girls could not only be attracted to but genuinely imagine themselves being with. See, before he seemed almost touchable. He was more connected to his fans, more willing to be in projects that would make him seem like a sweet, romantic young man. 

     Now? You can't touch him. He's literally with Kylie Jenner. He's doing movies like Marty Supreme, he's got weird, patchy facial hair with the buzzcut. He wears tracksuits and hoodies to important events like the Oscars, and he's rapping? Idk what that's about. 

     We've seen this time and time again. Male celebrities get their starts by leaning into where the money is. And where is the money? In teenage girls' pockets. Teenage girls run fandom spaces. They're the ones with the edits and the fanfiction. They're the ones who have to romanticize things like movies and music because boys and men in real life just aren't like that. 

     We've seen it with bands like 5 Seconds of Summer, when they said something along the lines of not liking their female fanbase like... 5 years into their careers? Which is crazy because they didn't have a problem with their female fan base when they were sleeping with them but whatever. 

     My point is, Timothee's team is smart. They saw the name, the hair, the face and said, "We can work with this." And work they did. They managed to turn some guy from New York who had rumors of spreading STD's around his college into a boy who looks like he would whisper sweet nothings into your ear. 

     Do I think Timmy is a bad person? I don't know. I don't know him. Do I think he's corny and kinda chopped city? Oh yeah. But hey, I don't wanna yuck anyone's yum. If that does it for you, then great. But don't be shocked when one day he starts saying shit like he hates having a majority female fanbase. Pattern recognition baby. 

    

Beavers and Storms

      I was seven years old when I had my first crush on a girl. For the story, we'll call her... Thunder. Yes, this means something to me. Anyways, Thunder was my neighbor. She was thirteen years old, which me to me meant she was clearly an adult, and knew everything about anything. This was circa 2011, so you can probably image the kind of girl Thunder was. She had light blonde hair that she wore in a ponytail with those comically tiny headbands, and she wore a lot of tribal print and awkward black eyeliner. And just like any other teenager of the early 2010's, she loved One Direction and Justin Bieber. I remember this because I was so insanely jealous of young Bieber that I completely denounced him. I wouldn't listen to him, and I would start crying when he was even brought up. It became a running joke in my family that I was "hiding my crush," when in reality I wanted that seventeen-year-old GONE by any means necessary. 

     Anyways, one day my grandmother thought it would be funny to get me a Justin Bieber poster from Walmart. I did not find it funny. My mother refused to let me throw it away because it was "rude" and "everyone likes the beebs." So, he was hung up in my room. Right over my Monster High comforter clad twin sized bed. 

     He mocked me. Every morning I got up for first grade, and there the bastard was in that pleather looking jacket and hoodie combo. His glowing (brown? Blonde?) hair made him impossible to ignore. I would beg my mother to let me take it down. I would try to bribe her with extra chores and drawings. 

     It was to no avail. 

    One day, my mom had asked Thunder to babysit me and my younger sister. My mom was in a relationship with a loser, and he was not to be trusted with us. But that's for another time. Anyways, she came over to our house, and I very excitedly brought her to my room. I wanted to show her my new Kidz Bop CD and purple radio. I didn't even get a foot into my room when she spotted the poster and gasped in excitement. 

     She took out her phone and began to take a selfie with the poster. She chose to take a photo with a piece of paper, and not me, who was standing there with Kidz Bop 18 like a fool. She didn't care for Kidz Bop. No, she was all about that Bieber Fever, which you could argue is the same thing. But I digress. I was left there like a fool, while she giggled over that... bowl cut having, Canadian dork. 

     I'd had it. He already took the love of my life; he wasn't about to take my pride too.  After Thunder left and my mom returned, I hatched a plan to get rid of the Bieber. I knew my mom wouldn't just let me throw it out, so I had to be clever. 

     You see, I was seven. Was I smart? Not really. But I was a liar. So, at nighttime, after I had already brushed my teeth and was tucked in, it was go time. I started crying. Loudly. Enough that my older brother and my mom came into my bedroom. 

"What's the matter?" She had asked me with concern. 

"The poster," I said, my voice shaking. "I-I think it moved, I'm scared. He's watching me." 

My Mother looked at me with confusion. "It moved?" She asked. "What do you mean it moved?" At this point, I was almost choking on my fake tears. "He's staring at me, and his eyes are scaring me."

    I feel it's important to mention that at the time, my mother worked as a home health aide, who worked five, sometimes six days a week. And here I was, stealing these precious sleeping hours over jealousy and fake fear. 

     But it worked, because she took the poster down and passed it over to my brother. Just like that, the threat was gone. 

    I wish I could say that after that, I developed healthier habits and got over my crush, but I'd be a big fat liar. I won't go into too much detail but at one point I did in fact kick a neighbor boy in the crotch for getting much too close to Thunder for my liking.

     She's married now to a man. She has kids, a house and really ugly dog. But I'll never forget her. I'll never forget how she did flips on the trampoline or rode her bike with no hands. I'll also never forget how one time she dropped me by accident on some gravel and busted my mouth open. I tried to look tough in front of her, but hey. I was seven. I ended up sobbing for my Mommy. 

     All of this to say I hate Justin Bieber and I do challenge him to a dual. Peace.